Sexy Period Panties are what these bad boys are called. They have absorbent layers, as displayed in the above picture. This way, you can look good while you’re bloated, cranky, and have pimples on your face.

All I want to know is, who needs sexy underwear when you’re on your period? Seeing as how everyone knows that’s the time of the month that girls get on their knees. And last I checked, it’s difficult for a dude to see what kind of underwear you, the lady, have on while he has his eyes closed and is fantasizing about someone hotter than you anyway.

So I often praise the Germs, that’s my nickname for my Germans, for how awesome they are. Their cars, good looking women (i.e.—Ashley Wubben), awesome accents, and their ability to pay off their debts, are just a few of the great qualities of Germany. But alas, all of these are easily trumped by the fact they have now cured some dude of HIV. Suck on that Sweden, with your rickety and unreliable furniture.

Timothy Brown, who sounds like a 6 year-old child who likes to ride his big wheel with his puppy and a lollipop and wave to all the neighbors every morning, had HIV AND Leukemia (once again proving that the universe is fair and treats every being equally). I’m not a man of science, and I don’t like to completely read articles, but what I get from this is that he was being treated for the Leukemia with bone marrow (aka STEM CELLS) that was resistant to HIV, and it cured his HIV. And in conclusion, that is why Germans rule. Even though this happened in 2008 to someone else (and then there’s Magic Johnson), with a much less cute name than “Timothy Brown”, it proves that science rocks and you don’t for not being a believer in the Germans and their love of stem cell researching all these years.

mm weed.

The FDA is proposing new labels that will go on cigarette packs, with pictures and words to warn consumers of the dangers of tobacco. 99.9% of consumers already know that they’re stinky and smelly (I know those two words mean the exact same thing), and will probably die sooner than people like myself unless I get hit by a car or killed while rescuing a baby elephant from a tiger, but they still choose to smoke, so I say leave them be. But anyway, this is what the new packs might look like…

mmmm

However, if I were a smoker, and I was about to buy a pack of smokes, this picture would probably deter me way more:

That ^^ would be the commissioner (I believe that’s its title) of the FDA. She doesn’t smoke? I would just tell her to start now, because it’s not like NOT smoking has done much for her.

(unrelated photo of Minka Kelly for your viewing pleasure.)

I found this article on a site, that a WOMAN wrote for MEN to read, entitled “8 Misconceptions Guys Have About Dating”. Hey lady, your first misconception in general, is that men care what you have to say. What this woman did was take the 8 misconceptions (in bold) and elaborate on how they are, in fact, misconceptions. What I did in my blog was take those misconceptions (still in bold) and elaborate on how she is a moron and they are not even close to misconceptions. (how many times can YOU put the word “misconceptions” into a paragraph? so far, I win) Now, let’s continue along our journey together, shall we?

Misconception Numero Uno (that’s Spanish for “you’re an idiot”): It’s Bad to Text or Call After a Date

Uh, yea it IS bad for a guy to text or call right after a date. We just saw each other, and now you want to call and talk to me? I’m probably eating or catching up on a show I missed out on because I had to go out with you. Leave me alone for the night. DO NOT, I repeat DOOO NOOOTTT text or call a woman right after you see her. Women are attracted to men who ignore them, it’s science. Ignore a woman and be kind of a douchebag to her and she’ll be on her knees next week.

Misconception #2: Talking About Exes Early On is NOT a Good Idea

How is that a misconception?? It’s a terrible idea for a guy to talk about his ex early on in a relationship, especially on a first date. You know what you should be talking about? How delicious this meal is that you’re paying for, and also how good I look right now. 

Misconception #3: Girls Aren’t as Horny as Guys

The only time a girl is super horny is when she is drunk or high on crystal meth. Raul, my drug dealer, and I know this from experience. There’s a difference between a woman being sexually open and interested in sex and then just being horny all the time. Guys still win on that one, and I’m pretty sure they always will. Even sluts aren’t horny, they’re just…sluts.

Misconception #4: Chivalry is Dead

Yes, it is. Deader than bedazzled, double denim. That is far from a misconception. I don’t even know the true meaning of chivalry because I’ve grown up surrounded by rude boys all of my life. I do know there are exceptions. And if you want to get laid fellas, open the car door. It’s that simple. So keep chivalry dead in general, and then randomly do really chivalrous things, and your lady will be putting out nonstop. Besides, if you constantly act chivalrous, it will get annoying and then she will take advantage of you, trust me. This is all according to science, I’m just the messenger.

Misconception #5: Dinner is the Best Date

Hell yea it is! I love food, and so do all other women. Even the ones with eating disorders, that’s why they’re obsessed with the idea of food in general. Listen, if a woman tries to tell you that dinner is not a good date, dump her now because she’s the one who is going to want to go to Disneyland every weekend or on expensive boat rides around harbors while a butler brings her champagne and you have to wear a tie. Sucker.

Misconception #6: Bragging About How Well You Do is Hot

This one is a little iffy. If you brag about how well you do, and you pick up garbage on the side of the road for a living (is that even a job? I don’t know) and live in your mother’s basement where you make model cars that aren’t even good looking, then shut your mouth. But if you’re really successful and awesome, then I say brag away. I plan on bragging once I’m rich and successful, so I can’t hate on a guy who does it. Just know that if you do it constantly, and if you’re dating a girl with any sort of brain whatsoever, she will eventually check you and make you feel like a worthless man…like most women do at some point in relationships. Might as well brag while you still can, right?

Misconception #7: Girls Love Bad Boys

I know a lot of girls who love bad boys. They’re exciting and keep you guessing, and good in bed (so I hear. I don’t get much action so all the sexual information I give you is purely from surveys I administer to friends, and then they get annoyed, but I need to know! I need to know what it’s LIKE!). Al Pacino is a bad boy and he’s rich and successful. So are Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson. They get ladies quite often, so you know some girls love them. And they’re always in the news. And who reads those terrible news articles?…women. If a girl tells you she doesn’t like bad boys she either really does love bad boys and doesn’t want to seem like whore, or she’s excruciatingly (word? don’t know) boring and you should leave immediately.

Misconception #8: Girls Like Playing Games

WHAT? Women are the masters of games. I, as a woman, can’t even maintain long-term friendships with other women because of how much they like to play games, and I’m not even trying to get any action from them. Girls love games, what they don’t love is being the loser at the games. They will play games until you, the man, has the upper hand, and then all of a sudden it’s “You know what? I don’t play games, OK? I’m over this.” Sound familiar? Yea, it’s because you just won. And you probably didn’t even know you were playing a game to begin with, because unless you’re one of those guys who acts like a chick and loves drama, you don’t know how to initiate a game anyway. Match point, win for you brother.

In conclusion, the woman who wrote the original article must be a spy for the female race. She wants you to think that you have to be chivalrous alllllll the time, and that women are straight shooters who never play games. Also, she wants you to think that women are horny all the time so that you can…well, I don’t even know why she would want you to think that. Street cred, I assume? Makes us ladies seem like we can keep up, I guess. But the point is, we can’t. And none of these things are really misconceptions, they’re all true.

The woman who wrote THIS awesome article, on this awesome blog (that would be me) knows what’s up.

So I know that for a while now there have been beauty video blogs, or whatever you want to call them, mostly on youtube, where some girl who is usually about a 7-8 on the hot meter gives makeup and hair tips for less fortunate looking girls to try to be pretty. I watched about 4 minutes of a video today, and the girl honestly gave me a headache, and I’m not exaggerating. She didn’t stop to breathe, she was talking so fast (not to mention she had no clue what she was talking about to begin with but she still spoke with a condescending “you’re ugly” tone), total airhead, and she would just randomly hold up products and basically say “I use these, and since I’m most likely better looking than you are, you should use these too.”

Let’s face the facts. If you’re watching these videos on a regular basis, chances are you are, in fact, ugly (whatever ‘ugly’ means these days, I don’t know) and have low self-esteem because you allow a popular internet chick with no professional experience in skin-care, hair, or makeup, who would probably be mean to you if you went to high school together, tell you what to wear. I think that’s weird. So I’m going to tell you how you can be pretty without having to watch all those stupid videos.

The number one most important tip to being an attractive female, is shutting up. I preach this a lot, and even though I am a girl, I firmly believe in a woman keeping her mouth shut as often as possible. 9 times out of 10, you’re going to annoy people before they even have a chance to look at you anyway, so try shushing up for once. Unless you have something funny to say or something really sarcastic to say to a douchebag guy that will make his balls hurt. That’s the best.

Other tips include, but are not limited to:

Brushing your teeth and visiting the dentist regularly. Maybe go the extra mile and buy some Crest White Strips if you want, or don’t. They’re your teeth.

Showering regularly is also very important, as is making sure you don’t smell bad. If you want to buy nice body wash and soaps, that’s up to you. Dove soap does the trick for me, and I use awesome shampoo. Also, perfume is nice, but if you’re one of those chicks who bathes in it before going out, shoot yourself.

Drink water, not soda. Eat fruits and veggies, not burgers and chili cheese fries. If you eat bad, you’re going to get fat. You’ll feel bloated and your skin will be all weird looking, and your hair will get greasy. For heaven’s sake, put down the slice of pizza and eat an apple.

Spend some time on your hair. Everyone has different hair, true. But everyone can also figure out a way to not make their hair look like hell. Find products that work for YOU. For example, if you’re Croatian and have curly hair, don’t buy what the straight-haired Asian video blogger tells you to buy, because it won’t work and you will waste your money. Or at least just brush you hair. Come on.

Exercise as often as possible. You don’t have to be a gym rat to look good, but goodness gracious lord help you if you think laying around all day and watching tv will give you the body of the ladies in the movies you spend so much time watching (run-on sentences are my specialty). Go for a walk, go hike in some canyon, get on an elliptical for 30 minutes twice a week, and I promise you will “not only look better but you’ll FEEL better too!” hooray.

Pluck your god forsaken eyebrows (and upper lip if necessary). Or get them waxed, whatever. Do something about that excess hair on your face. The only time a woman looked good with facial hair is when she was in the neanderthal period, and at that time there weren’t many ladies to choose from. But if there were, I’m sure the hairier ones would have been left behind too. You don’t need thin, crazy, cholita eyebrows either. Actually, thicker eyebrows are better in my opinion, but just handle that shiz, or see a professional about it. Oh and if you have chin hairs, chest hairs, or any visible hair that shouldn’t be…visible, maybe handle that too while you’re at it.

You don’t even have to wear makeup. I honestly put a little bit of powder foundation on, mascara, and cherry chapstick, and that’s it. Why would you cake tons of makeup on, and then complain that you have terrible skin? Chances are the makeup you’re using is crappy quality and ruining your skin, so don’t put it on. Duh. Gobs of makeup is disturbing, especially when the skin tone of your made-up face doesn’t match your neck. If you must wear makeup, or want quality makeup for date night (I wouldn’t know what that’s like), research makeup, and invest in high quality stuff that will last you a long time. That’s your face you’re dealing with, which is the first thing people look at, and the most important feature on your body because that’s how you communicate with other living beings…just saying. Oh and don’t do the “Mimi” from Drew Carey eyeshadow either. Don’t know what that is? You should probably Google it because you probably do it.

Wear clothes that fit your body and that you’re comfortable in. Don’t buy clothes because Kim Kardashian likes them or because all the girls at school are wearing the exact same thing. Let’s just be straight up—don’t wear jeggings. Ever. I don’t care how skinny you are. Don’t do it.

Put lotion on your body (and then it puts the lotion in the basket!), or at least your elbows. Scaly (is that spelled right? I don’t care) elbows are weird, and awkward for everyone around you. Maybe invest in a moisturizer depending on your skin type. I use it, and that’s why I glow like the sun that gives us our light and induces photosynthesis which in turn helps you breathe air.

You can also take some vitamins, those are good for you. Don’t get any weird diseases along the way, and do some squats. I do 3 sets of 10 every night before bed, and I have a booty that can lure any black man I want. If you have tiny boobs and want implants, get them. Hopefully that will solve your daddy issues. If you want botox, get it. I probably will eventually.

So pop your pimple (in a sterile environment), go for a jog, drink lots of water, buy some jeans that fit, brush your hair, and put some eyeliner on, and you’ll be pretty. On the outside at least.

…that all the world’s problems would be solved, or nonexistent, if women would just shut up for once.

If women didn’t speak as often, then THESE would be some of the major questions in today’s society: Global warming? What’s that? Crime rates increasing? Impossible! Drugs? Let’s all come together and do them all at once as friends, in unity! Starving children? Where? etc. etc.

Possibly a thesis paper in the future?